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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22898293">First decision</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/myotishia/pseuds/myotishia'>myotishia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A path less walked [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Torchwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Multi, Other</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:14:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,701</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22898293</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/myotishia/pseuds/myotishia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Owen didn't want to be alone, drinking himself into a stupor. Misery loves company so he calls a friend to join him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lisa Hallett/Ianto Jones, Owen Harper/Toshiko Sato</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A path less walked [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1645870</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. A fateful call</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Owen slipped the pheromone spray bottle into his pocket as he watched the two intoxicated lovers drive away in the back of a taxi. He didn’t think that it’d work like that if he was honest. He didn’t want to go back and just drink alone for the rest of the night, but the idea of going home just as alone was an unpleasant thought to say the least. He took out his phone and scrolled down the contacts. Suzie had been busy more often than not recently so he guessed there was no point in calling her. It’d be a cold day in hell before he called Jack and the new girl was with Jack getting retconned apparently. Was that tonight or tomorrow? He couldn't remember. Either way she had a boyfriend and he didn’t want to fight. Not tonight. Tosh. She’d be free. She always was. It was a stupid idea but he was already tipsy and the dark cloud of depression was threatening to descend already. He hit the call button. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Owen?” Toshiko asked, surprised that anyone was calling her so late. “Is something wrong?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. No. I was just thinking, as you’re not doing anything and I’m not getting any action tonight anyway, you want to join me? Have a few drinks?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you drunk?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not yet. Come on, I’m buying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And how do you know I’m not busy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tosh… A meal of leftovers and wine is not busy. You can at least have wine with company.” He could feel her glare down the phone and he hoped he hadn’t just made sure he was going to spend the evening drinking alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sighed. “Fine. Give me ten minutes to get ready. Your usual haunt I assume?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be waiting.” He smiled in spite of himself. The call ended and he took a deep breath of cold night air. At least a night with a friend wasn’t wasted, even if he did have to deal with her telling him that all this drinking was bad for him. He already knew that. He just didn’t care. His job could kill him at any moment, why not see if alcohol could do it first.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He waved Tosh over as he spotted her from his position at the bar. Neat and tidy as always, she perched next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It must be a bad night if you’re calling me of all people. Suzie didn’t answer?” She knew him too well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugged. “She’s always busy. Don’t know what with. Anyway, you’re here now.” He slid a glass over to her, remembering what she’d preferred at new years. She smiled and took a sip. Maybe it was the drink talking but her smile was soft, attractive, and beckoning. No, he couldn’t mess up the one friendship he had because he wanted to get laid. Suzie understood that their relationship was physical and nothing else but Tosh was different. She was the romantic type and he couldn’t break her heart. Who else would listen to his bullshit at midnight or cover for him when he had a hellish hangover. He downed what was left in his glass and gestured to the barman for a refill. The alcohol took the edge off the world, stopped his thoughts rushing from subject to subject, and made him actually relax for once. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry to call you out like this.” She said, leaning heavily on the bar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She placed down her glass. “I don’t mind. Like you said, I wasn’t doing anything anyway.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I didn’t mean that as an insult. I mean that’s what normal people do. Actually go home and put their feet up after work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t exactly call my evenings normal.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea? Finally invested in a secret lab? Hacked the CIA?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No… Well, no to the lab. The CIA thing was Jacks idea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That man has a death wish.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It hasn’t been granted yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea. It’s weird. I know, doctor patient confidentiality and all that, but he’s barely got a scar on him. All the shit he pulls and not a damn thing.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That can’t be possible.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what I thought, but there he is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe he’s half alien.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laughed warmly. “If I hadn’t seen his blood samples before I’d probably agree with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There it was, that sparkle in her eyes. That light she always got when she was actually happy. He had to stop himself staring, deciding instead to stare into the bottom of his glass. How many had he gone through? Too many most likely. Tosh nudged him in the arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re being watched.” She said softly, gesturing subtly to a woman at the end of the bar. She was pretty, in her mid twenties and trying a bit too hard. Too much cleavage on show and enough makeup to stain sheets. He couldn’t be bothered with that level of laundry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Naa. I asked you here. I’m not just going to ditch you now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t let me stop you.” She swirled what was left of her wine around the glass, the sparkle leaving her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was about to do something really stupid, he could just feel it. “I’m hungry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you had dinner yet? I’m starving.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“O-ok.” She stuttered, her smile returning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The cold Cardiff rain had driven them back to Owens flat to eat. Tosh hung her wet coat up, hoping it would dry quickly as Owen returned with a towel for her to dry her hair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” She took it gratefully, trying to keep her hair from dripping all over the floor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned the heating up and took the soaked bag from their half eaten dinner in the kitchen. It was still warm but he was full. As he was wondering if he could get away with eating the leftovers for breakfast, she joined him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aren’t you going to dry off?” She asked, brushing away a water droplet that was running down his cheek. Her fingers were surprisingly warm and her skin was soft. He found himself placing his hand over hers, his eyes closed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She blushed lightly. “Owen? Are you feeling ok? How many have you had?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too many… Not enough.” He smiled sadly, looking into her eyes. “Sorry. You can take my bed tonight. I’ll crash on the sofa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no. It’s your bed. I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. “You’re too nice for your own good.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… um…” Her heart pounded in her head, her cheeks burning, knowing she should really stop whatever this was even if she really didn’t want to. She was about to say something when he kissed her, tasting of whisky.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled away. “Sorry… I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Owen. You’re just drunk, that’s all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish I was. I’ve fucked up, haven’t I.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No turning back. You’re my only real friend and I-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She pushed him back against the counter, reaching her fingers around the back of his neck to make sure he was going nowhere. He didn’t fight her advances but as he took a breath some kind of clarity broke through. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tosh, you know I’m not going for a relationship.” He gasped. “I don’t want to hurt you. We should just-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I just want to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about after? What about work? If you end up hating me I-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Owen! I’m not asking for a relationship. Would that make me happy? Yes. But it isn’t everything. I’m not a lovesick teenager. If you don’t want to do this then just say so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the first time he looked like the nervous one. “There’s nothing else I want right now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well then-” She stepped back, unbuttoning her blouse. “If you’re sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Owen's phone screeched as his alarm went off. He rolled onto his back and reached over to shut it up, the events of the night before seeping through his memory. Tosh was asleep, her head resting on his other arm. What had he done? If he’d just kissed her maybe he could just say he was drunk but it definitely hadn’t ended with kissing. Even if he was beating himself up about it, it was nice to wake up with a warm body that he didn’t immediately wish would go. Should he wake her up? He’d have to. She snuffled in her sleep and rolled over, cuddling into his chest and smiling. She was gorgeous, even with the smudged makeup and bed head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um… Tosh?” He said softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She slowly opened her eyes, returning to consciousness and working out where she was. After a moment she sat up, holding the sheet to cover herself. “So, we actually…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… I should get dressed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat up. “I mean, we still have half an hour before we </span>
  <b>have </b>
  <span>to be out the door.”   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m surprised you’re not kicking me out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would I do that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t.” He rubbed his eyes to push away the mild headache. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was meant to just be last night, wasn’t it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So? That doesn’t mean I’m going to kick you out of my bed the moment I wake up. I’m not that much of an arsehole.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should go home and get changed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swung his legs off the side of the bed. “Just wear what you did last night. They should be dry by now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh that’s going to look innocent.” She rolled her eyes then began looking around to see where she’d left her phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who cares? You’re single, I’m single, it’s none of their business… I’m going to shower. You can grab breakfast if you want.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She watched him stand, red scratch marks still bright on his back, and head towards the bathroom. “Ok.” She used the sheet to cover her modesty as she got up to find her clothing. Her blouse and bra had been discarded in the living room and her phone buzzed in the pocket of her coat. She grabbed it and saw she’d missed six calls and two messages. One was from Jack asking why she wasn’t answering her phone and the other was from Ianto with the same message. She pressed the button to call Jack back. He answered after only one ring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tosh, where are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve just woken up.” She deflected the question. “Sorry, my phone was in my coat. What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed deeply. “I need you to come in. I’ve got some… Bad news.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh… Ok, I’ll be in right away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you call Owen? He hasn’t been answering calls either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. See you soon.” The call ended. What could have possibly happened to make Jack sound so depressed? He was supposed to be retconning Gwen the night before. A bad reaction? She hoped not. Retcon rarely had any nasty side effects but there was always a chance of an unknown allergy being triggered. She knocked on the bathroom door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Owen. Jack called. He has some bad news and he’s been trying to call us all night.” She called. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The lock clicked open and Owen emerged with a towel wrapped around his middle. “Shit. I put my phone on silent when I went out. If it’s been this long then he can wait just a bit longer. Shower’s all yours.”   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t like he was trying to be dismissive but he knew that it would be too late now to do anything about it. He returned to the bedroom to get dressed and looked at his phone, clearing the missed calls. Maybe this bad news could keep the prying eyes of his workmates off Tosh. They could give him the side eye all they wanted, it didn’t matter, but he knew it would upset her. He rubbed his eyes again, as if that would help push away the fact that he actually cared. It wasn’t even like that with Suzie. Suzie, she’d know what’s going on. He sent her a quick message before he got dressed. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Secrets and lies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Owen couldn’t believe what he’d just been told. He’d spoken to Suzie just the day before and now she was gone. Jack was going on and on about making sure all alien artefacts stayed in the hub but his words were distant and barely registering. How did they not notice? How did <b>he</b> not notice? Ianto held out a box to take the spray that was hidden in Owens jacket. The doctor handed it over without even a second thought. He needed five minutes. </p><p>Tosh was in shock but had descended into tears the moment Gwen had offered a shoulder to cry on. People didn’t usually do that in Torchwood. They just quietly grieved to themselves. She jumped slightly as Owen marched out.</p><p>“Where are you going?” Jack called after him to no reply.</p><p>Tosh wiped her eyes and stood. “Thanks Gwen… I’m going to make sure he’s ok.” She snuffled before chasing after him. </p><p> </p><p>Noone really went down to the archives other than Ianto and he’d be busy so Owen guessed it was one place he could be alone to think. The hallway lights weren’t very bright but that was for the best if he looked as bad as he thought he did. He slid down the wall and lent heavily on his knees, on the verge of tears but refusing to surrender to them. Footsteps drew closer to him and he was ready to just explode at whoever it was so he could be left alone, until he saw that it was the one person he couldn’t shout at. Tosh sat next to him on the floor.</p><p>“I just wanted to be alone.” He said.</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“So you followed me?”</p><p>“Yes. You shouldn’t be alone.”</p><p>“You’re not my girlfriend, stop acting like it.”</p><p>She glared at him. “Don’t start that with me Owen Harper. I’ve known you for long enough to know when you’re just upset.”</p><p>He grumbled to nothing in particular. She was right but he didn’t want to admit it and therefore wouldn’t. There was a long silence before he decided to break it.</p><p>“Why didn’t I see it?”</p><p>“She was our friend… We didn’t want to see it.”</p><p>“I thought I knew her. I thought… Fuck. This is a mess.” He ran his hands through his hair, with no idea how to deal with the situation. </p><p>She shifted uncomfortably. “What are we sitting on?” </p><p>At first he thought she was just trying to distract him, but scooting closer to the wall he realised there was a cable taped down at the very edge of the wall. </p><p>“What would need power down here?” He mumbled. </p><p>Tosh shrugged. “We could follow it. I’m not ready to go back yet so…”</p><p>He stood and helped her to her feet, silently agreeing that going back was the worst thing for them. </p><p>One cable became two. Two became six. Six became a thick bundle, snaking through to an almost abandoned area of the archives. They finally ended at a room. Owen peeked inside and immediately slammed himself back, pushing Tosh to the wall, all colour draining from his face. </p><p>“What is it?” She whispered.</p><p>He gulped. “It’s a fucking cyber conversion unit.”</p><p>Anyone who joined Torchwood were briefed on a short list of the most dangerous things in the universe. Things to be immediately destroyed without question if you could. Daleks and cybermen were at the very top of that list. </p><p> </p><p>“You shouldn’t have seen this.” Ianto said, his gun aimed towards his workmates. </p><p>They both put their hands in front of them. </p><p>“The fuck is going on? What are you doing?” Owen hissed, not wanting to raise his voice. </p><p>“Just… Just shut up. I don’t want to hurt you.”</p><p>Tosh couldn’t believe this was happening. “Ianto, please. Just put the gun down and talk to us.”</p><p>“I can’t.” He almost whimpered. “If I do you’ll have her killed. I can’t let you do that.”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Her name’s Lisa. The unit’s keeping her alive.” </p><p>Owen calmed his breathing. “If I keep my hands up, can I see?”</p><p>“If you try and hurt her I’ll-”</p><p>“I know. I just want to understand.” </p><p>He let them both walk into Lisa's room where she was sleeping, making sure he was closer to her than they were. Owen couldn’t believe the woman was still alive at all. Then again was she really alive? The unit was doing most of the work for her damaged vital organs. </p><p>“Is she… I mean is she still in there?” He asked.</p><p>Ianto nodded. “I just want to save her.”</p><p>“Listen, I’m unarmed right now. Can I examine her?”</p><p>“Why?!”</p><p>“If she’s still in there maybe I can help. Maybe it can be reversed but I need to know what I’m working with here.”</p><p>For a moment Ianto couldn’t believe what he was hearing but even a little hope was better than nothing. “If you try and hurt her-”</p><p>“I won’t.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>The cybernetics had taken over most of her body. The extremities weren’t an issue exactly. They weren’t going to change her chances of survival. It was the damage to her vital organs that concerned him.</p><p>“Can the plates be removed?” Owen asked, keeping his hands visible so Ianto didn’t think he was trying to pull anything. </p><p>The welshman shook his head. “I removed everything I could.”</p><p>“You set all of this up?”</p><p>“Lisa told me a lot of what to do but… I did my best.”</p><p>“This is impressive for just the two of you. Look, I can’t do much without either the plates being removed or you letting me grab some of my kit.”</p><p>“I can’t let you go. You know the rules.”</p><p>“Ianto, I want to help but you’re going to have to trust me. If Jack found out I hadn’t just decked you and shot her I’d be in the shit too so I’m not going to tell him anything.”</p><p>He agonised over the decision. He needed the help and Owen was admittedly an amazing doctor. “Ok. But Tosh stays here.”</p><p>“I’ll be right back.” He said, looking to Tosh who just nodded. </p><p>Ianto watched him leave, hoping he’d made the right decision.</p><p>“Um… Can I look at the unit?” She asked shyly. “Maybe there’s something I can do. I’ve never had the chance to look at one before.”</p><p>“I know. They’re immediately dismantled and destroyed. You know I didn’t want this. I wanted to find a way to save her and you’d never know.”</p><p>“I know. I wish you’d spoken to us sooner.”</p><p>“And say what? Here’s your coffee, by the way I’ve got my girlfriend on life support in the archives, fancy giving me a hand saving her life?” He said bitterly, despair pouring off him. </p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“You all barely notice I’m there. I’m nothing to you.”</p><p>“That’s not true! You’re our friend.”</p><p>“Well, you’ve never shown it.”</p><p>“I…” Her words faltered. Maybe she hadn’t. The fact that they didn’t notice this before said that. It was the same as with Suzie and now Suzie was gone. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“No… I’m sorry. You’re the only one who really thanks me for anything.”</p><p>“Jack thanks you.”</p><p>“No, Jack flirts with me. I’m just an object to him.”</p><p>She frowned deeply. Now wasn’t the time to argue the point and she’d probably end up crying anyway. “She’s your girlfriend?”</p><p>“Yes… We worked together at Torchwood one.”</p><p>“Oh god. She’s been like this since then?”</p><p>“Since the fall. I found her and tried to stop what they were doing to her… I thought she was dead but she opened her eyes and… She spoke to me. She was still Lisa.”</p><p>“You really love her.”</p><p>He paused, probably a little longer than he should have, longer than he used to. “I do. She’s my reason to keep going.”</p><p>A sound pulled both of their attention. Ianto hid the gun and rushed to Lisas side.</p><p>“Ianto?... I heard voices.” The part cybernised woman said softly.</p><p>He smiled sympathetically. “I brought someone to help. This is Tosh.”</p><p>“The technician you told me about?” </p><p>“Yea. She’s one of the best.”</p><p>Tosh waved nervously, unsure of what else to do. “Hello.”</p><p>“Oh, hi. Ianto’s told me so much about you.” Lisa smiled weakly.</p><p>“He has?”</p><p>“Don’t worry, it was nothing bad. I thought we couldn’t tell anyone.”</p><p>“I can trust them.” Ianto interjected. “Are you in pain?”</p><p>“No. I think it’s going to be one of my good days.”</p><p> </p><p>Owen scrambled around the med bay, collecting together all the diagnostic tools he could carry. Every normal thump and creak of the hub making him turn to check he was still alone. He needed to get back before Tosh got hurt. He was thinking about her again. All this shit going on and he couldn’t get his mind off of her. No, concentrate.</p><p>“There you are.” Jack boomed from the door. Or that was how it felt. “What are you doing?”</p><p>Had to think quick. “Tosh tripped when she ran after me. She twisted her arm.”</p><p>“Need a hand? I can carry her back up here if it’s easier.” He bought it. Good.</p><p>“I don’t want her moving. The tea boy’s with her anyway.”</p><p>“Ianto.”</p><p>“Yea, whatever.”</p><p>“Look if you and Tosh are having a fling-”</p><p>“Me and Tosh? You’re having a laugh aren’t you? It’s Tosh.”</p><p>“Well she was wearing the same clothes as yesterday.”</p><p>“And?”</p><p>“And as neither of you were answering your phones I looked up where you’d gone.”</p><p>“Just because we had chips together to get out of the rain, doesn’t mean we’re sleeping together.”</p><p>“I don’t care if you are, just don’t hurt her.”</p><p>Owens voice softened. “It’s Tosh… I couldn’t.” A long pause was enough to snap him back into the current situation. “Any way, she’s waiting and probably wishing death on me for being slow with the painkillers so-” He pulled his bag onto his shoulder. “Oh, and if the new girl’s staying then I’ll need to set up time for a physical. Thought you were going to retcon her.”</p><p>“I did. From what I can tell she staggered home, swallowed a handful of activated charcoal and fought off the effect of whatever she didn’t manage to purge.”</p><p>“I’ll keep that in mind when I review the formula.”</p><p> </p><p>Ianto fidgeted by the doorway. “Where is he?” He murmured. </p><p>“He'll be back.” Tosh reassured him, standing back from the monitor she was looking at. </p><p>“Are you sure.”</p><p>“I know Owen. He’ll be back. He says he wants to help and that means he wants to help. If he didn’t he’d say so.” </p><p>Lisa's heart rate spiked. “Owen… You told me about him…”</p><p>“He’s an arsehole but he’s good at his job.” Ianto said, trying to keep her calm. “Don’t let my problems with him upset you.”</p><p>Tosh glanced between them. “He isn’t always like that… And … He has his reasons. You shouldn’t take it personally.”  </p><p>Footsteps approaching made Ianto tense, one hand on his gun just in case. </p><p>“Sorry, Harkness wasn’t taking piss off for an answer.” Owen said, catching his breath. “I had to tell him Tosh had fallen and twisted her arm. Right, I’ve brought everything I could carry.” </p><p>Tosh smiled at Ianto reassuringly, seeing his shoulders relax and his hand drop to his side. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Love and loss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A huge thanks to John Barrowmans Gay Wife on discord for some of Iantos lines.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Owen yawned and downed the last of his fourth cup of coffee. He’d told Jack he wanted to study what was left of the meteorite so he could get away with sticking around. He knew there was nothing left of the gaseous entity on the rock but Jack didn’t. He’d spent the last four nights working with Lisa. On her good days he had a little hope but on her bad days… She scared him. The scan results weren’t helping. He stood and made his way back to her room. Ianto was getting some sleep so he wasn’t around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lisa?” He asked softly, pulling a chair over to sit next to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opened her eyes. “Dr Harper, what’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just Owen… I’ve got some bad news but, there’s something I want to ask you first.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go ahead. It’s not like I’m going anywhere.” She smiled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wished she hadn’t. “Look… If there’s nothing I can do… If I’ve tried everything and I can’t reverse this… Do you want me to keep trying or just let you go peacefully?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” She looked away. “Ianto never wants to talk about this… I don’t know… I mean if there’s no way then I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I’m not ready to die.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lisa… I've been studying your brain scans and…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not good, is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked down at the prints in his hands. “No. I knew there would be brain damage but it’s possible to recover from that to a point. The cybernetic implants have been killing off the emotional centres. Can you remember the day all of this happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A little… It used to be so terrifying but… I don’t feel much when I try and think about it anymore… This is what you mean , isn’t it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s the damage to your deep limbic system shutting down. Your prefrontal cortex is over firing so you’re going to be more impulsive. More likely to lash out and attack everyone around you. There’s so much more but it all means that eventually-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t have any emotions anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You won’t want to keep fighting the conversion anymore and you’re going to want to convert everyone you see. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How long do we have?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It could be days, weeks, a few months if you’re really lucky.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned her head to face him. “That’s why I can’t cry anymore. I know I should be. I should be devastated.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This isn’t your fault. Maybe I could have done something a year ago but now… There’s so much dead tissue. And that’s even without the fact you’d need a heart and lung transplant, so many skin grafts and try and reverse the damage to your digestive system… Look, now you know all this do you want me to keep trying?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… No. If this thing takes over… I don’t want to hurt anyone because I asked you not to end it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a form from behind the scans. “Here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a modified DNR. I know you’re going to talk this through with Ianto but I want this on file just in case.” He held it so she could read the form and offered her a pen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took it, the metal of her hand clicking against the plastic. Her signature was messy but it was still hers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want me to call him or..?” He asked, filing the form away and taking the pen back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No… No. I can talk to him tomorrow… Thank you for telling me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had a right to know. You should rest.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too… Could you maybe… Stay for a little bit? Just until I fall asleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Course.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next morning Ianto dragged himself down to the archives, surprised to find Owen, fast asleep on a chair in the corner. For all the issues he had with the young doctor being abrasive he’d been surprisingly attentive with Lisa. Maybe Tosh was right. Spotting the scans that had fallen to the floor when Owen drifted off he picked them up. He’d seen healthy brain scans before but these looked so different. They were dull and patchy. He bit his lip, an awful dropping sensation filling his gut, and placed the scans on a side table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ianto?” Lisa asked, her voice small and weak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He darted over to her side. “I’m here. I-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait… I need to talk to you privately.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think he’s asleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, but still.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok.” He turned and walked over to place a hand on Owens shoulder. He jolted awake with a slight gasp. “You fell asleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The doctor rubbed his eyes. “Fuck… Yea, sorry. I should go and get ready for work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded drowsily and walked out, leaving the couple to talk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, did you sleep well?” Ianto smiled softly, trying to return to his routine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She watched him with slightly sad eyes. She knew that she should be in floods by now but nothing happened. “We need to talk… Please, sit down.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not dumping me are you? That could make work a bit awkward.” He dragged the chair over and sat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ianto…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry. I shouldn’t make jokes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I haven’t got long left.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shook his head and took her hand. “Don’t talk like that. We’re working so hard-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not being pessimistic… It’s a fact. Dr Harper brought my scan results down last night… Parts of my brain are already dead. I can’t cry anymore. I can barely feel anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll find a way. We can’t just give up.” Tears streamed down his face and he clutched her hand for dear life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve fought for me for so long. I know how much you love me… I need you to love me enough to let me go when it happens.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sobbed, tears falling onto the cold metal of her hand. She wished she could feel even half of what he was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t do this without you. Please.” He begged. “Don’t give up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ianto… It wants me to make you like me. Make everyone like me and it’s getting so hard to fight. Sometimes… I don’t want to fight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lisa no.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just logical. If I just gave up and completed the process there would be no more pain. We could be together forever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let go of her hand and pushed himself back, arms wrapped around himself. “Please, don’t give up. I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re scared. You won’t be scared anymore.” She sat up, pulling the tubes and wires up with her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re still in there. I know you are. You have to fight it. For us… For me.” His voice cracked as he looked into the dead eyes of the woman he once loved. His heart shattering as he saw nothing behind those eyes he’d gazed into on so many nights. She looked like a different person. The warmth was gone. Everything he’d fallen for. She’d never laugh again, never cry, never say those words he longed to hear. He collapsed to his knees, empty and devastated as Lisa stood on heavy metal feet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She lifted him by the throat and dropped him onto the conversion unit, holding him down as the machinery began to wirr.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop! Please! Lisa.” He screamed, hoping that some part of her remained that didn’t want to hurt him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her expression didn’t change. “Don’t fight. This unit is incomplete but it will do enough until Toshiko returns. She will fix it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Leave her alone! If you leave them alone I won’t fight it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your compliance is of no concern.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The lights suddenly flickered and the unit stopped, the power cut. Lisa turned to see Tosh still holding two bundles of wire where she’d sliced through them in a panic. Taking the opportunity Ianto rolled to the floor and scrambled out, pulling Tosh along with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ianto, we need to tell Jack. “ Tosh said, pulling him around a corner so she could stop and think. “We knew this could happen. We tried but-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go!” He shouted. “It’s over. Just run, get everyone else and lock this place down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not going to leave you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got nothing left. She’s gone and when Jack finds out what we… I … Did, I’ll be executed on the spot. Just tell him it was me. Tell him you heard me and found us like that. I’ll buy you all the time I can.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t do that. We can talk to Jack but you need to come with us. He’ll understand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How could he possibly understand?! I… I just needed to save her… Tosh, I can’t go on without her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She grabbed both his arms. “Look at me. Yes you can. She wouldn’t want you to give up. Whatever that is, it killed Lisa. You can’t let it kill you too.” She tapped her earpiece. “Can everyone hear me? We have an active cyberman on the premises.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jacks voice replied. “What? How? Where?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The archives.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Ianto? I’m on my way, just get out. I’ll lock the place down once everyone’s evacuated.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Owen wanted to run and help, even if Jack had ordered him to evacuate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How the hell did a cyberman get in here?!” The captain growled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Her name was Lisa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She worked for Torchwood one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Owen, explain now!” Jack grabbed him by the collar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was half converted. She was Iantos girlfriend and we’ve been trying to save her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There is no saving a cyberman! You should know better than this!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was worth trying!” He pushed Jack back. “If we’re not here to help people then the fuck are we doing?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How long?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How long has that thing been here?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s been here since Ianto brought her with him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Had he lost his mind? “Just get out. I’ll deal with this when we’re not all going to die!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gwen grabbed his wrist and pulled him along with her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait.” The doctor complained. “I need to go back for Tosh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jack’ll save her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what if he doesn’t?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He will. She wouldn’t want you to get killed because you went back for her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tosh sprinted towards the main area of the hub, holding onto Ianto as tightly as she could so he didn’t stop. Jack was waiting for them and looked furious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jack, she-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Toshiko, get outside. We’ll talk about this later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ianto placed himself between her and Jack. “Don’t you dare shout at her. It wasn’t her fault. None of this was. It was my fault.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh believe me, I’ll deal with you too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then do it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You could have killed everyone!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could have saved her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you couldn’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think you know everything but you don’t! Not like you give a damn about anyone but yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, that’s you. You risked all of our lives because you couldn’t let go of someone who was already dead.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had to try! I loved her!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tosh pulled on Iantos sleeve. “We have to go. She wasn’t far behind us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then go! Just… Both of you go. I can keep her busy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack shook his head. “I’m not going to let you kill yourself like that. Tosh, go. I’ll drag him out unconscious if I have to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She paused for only a moment before running for the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I never wanted anyone to get hurt.” Ianto whimpered, biting into his lip to hold back his tears. “She didn’t want to hurt anyone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not an excuse! This isn’t just about us. Cybermen are a virus. If even one is left alive they’ll create others. There could be thousands in only days. You could have doomed the wor-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know!” He screamed. “I was there! I saw what they did. I knew the risks and I was so careful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not careful enough.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He reeled back and punched Jack in the jaw, sending him sprawling to the floor. “Why can’t you understand? Haven’t you ever loved anyone? No! Of course you haven't. Everything’s about you, isn’t it Jack? You don’t see what’s in front of your fucking face! That’s why Suzie’s dead! That’s why the people she killed are dead! You act like the hero but you’re never there for the people who really need you! It’s just a show! It’s an act! You were sat here after what happened like there was no one left. You didn’t try and help us. There were twenty seven of us! And we were scared, injured and you left us to the godforsaken British government! Now there are eighteen of us and you're about to kill another! You’re no hero. You’re a con man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack rubbed his jaw and moved to pull himself up when he saw the figure approaching. “Ianto-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No! Shut up! For once in your life just shut the fuck up and listen! Do you know how angry I get every time you start your flirting bullshit? And it’s not because you’re a man, it’s because there’s nothing behind it. You don’t give a shit about me. I’m just a thing to you. No, worse, I’m nothing to you! If I was you’d at least try and keep up with your paper work but no, Ianto will deal with it. Ianto will fix it. That’s what he does because no one else can be bothered! I walk into this place every day, feed Myfanwy, feed and clean the weevils, feed you lot and I keep my mouth shut because what’s the point? God, would it kill you to just keep the place clean? Just sanitary for christs sake! I make coffee and clean up and stay out of everyones way. I’m invisible to all of you! The only person that ever gave a damn about me was Lisa and now… And now she’s dead.” His voice softened and he stared at Jack with wide, frightened, eyes. “I’m alone.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack couldn’t move fast enough to stop the cyberwoman from grabbing Ianto by the back of the neck, throwing him across the room, his limp body landing in the tide pool. Motionless. Snapped from his trance-like state Jack drew his pistol and fired three rounds into the exposed skin of her face. She staggered and toppled backwards. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He scrambled over to Ianto, wading into the water and rolling the man over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. No, come on. You’re not alone.” He breathed, cradling the welshmans body. There was too much he still needed to say. The water, he had to have been alive when he hit the water. Jack could feel the buzz of life that ran through him rise. Maybe there was a chance. Just a small chance… He pressed his mouth over Iantos, breathing life back into him, sparks burning his tongue. After a few moments Ianto gasped and coughed, the water clearing from his lungs. His face felt slightly numb and his vision was filled with small golden lights. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Crime and punishment</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You three are suspended without pay for two weeks.” Jack announced to Owen, Tosh and Ianto. They’d expected to be fired and Tosh was barely holding herself together. Without Torchwood she would be sent back to UNIT, surely. The relief of knowing that wasn’t going to happen opened the floodgates. Jack sighed and walked over, pulling her into his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s ok. I’m not going to just throw you back to the wolves.” He whispered, not wanting to have to explain to anyone else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded into his chest. “Sorry… I’ll be ok.” She stepped back and began to collect her things. Owen wanted to argue but he knew they were getting out of this lightly. Any back talk could end with getting retconned back to his adolescence. As he walked out with Tosh Gwen caught up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… Don’t think this is right. You shouldn’t be punished for any of this.” She said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tosh rubbed her eyes. “No, we knew how dangerous it was. He’d be within his rights to fire us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were just trying to save someone. That’s our job, isn’t it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not at the cost of the world. If anything really bad happens I’m sure Jack will call us in. But thanks… Oh, you have my number, don’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I think so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you need anything just call me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Owen nodded. “Same. Harkness can be stubborn so if someone gets hurt it’ll be easier to call me yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See you in two weeks I suppose.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, see you later sweet cheeks.” He smirked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gwen glared, but realised he was just saying it to wind her up.    </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ianto hadn’t moved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go home Ianto.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you fire me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t you just be glad I didn’t?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… I need to know. By all rights you should have killed me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack perched on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms. “You won’t believe me, but I understand. I think you were foolish, but as noone was harmed I’m being lenient.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I shouldn’t have said what I did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes you should. If I’m going to help you you need to start talking to me. I failed Suzie and I failed you. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He clenched his jaw and looked down. “So, when I come back we’re just going to pretend this never happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll move on… Go home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes sir.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack watched Ianto leave before slumping down into his chair, head in his hands. He didn’t know how he’d cope for two weeks without most of his team. Gwen was still training and it had been a long time since he’d had to do his job on his own. He desperately hoped for a quiet couple of weeks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a week before Owen found himself bored. He’d gone out on the pull but every time he looked at someone he would have gone for before he just couldn’t stand the idea of waking up next to them in the morning. He sighed and pulled himself away from the sofa, grabbing his jacket. He didn’t want to be alone. Seeing Lisa had reminded him of losing Katie and that had ended with him hating himself again. He felt like he was useless. Like he couldn’t save anyone. In times like those he could either drink himself into unconsciousness or try and distract himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tosh heard a knock at her door. She placed down her book and walked over, unlocking it and opening it to see Owen, standing there with Pizza in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You feel as crap as I do?” He asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She chuckled lightly. “I suppose misery loves company. Come in.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked in to the flat he’d seen so many times before, usually because of work, to check on his friend. It always smelled warm and comforting with a slight edge the he assumed was from her book collection. It was like a library. He placed down the box and bottle on the coffee table and pulled off his jacket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m surprised you’re here on a Friday night.” She said, grabbing a couple of glasses from the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sunk into the sofa. “Yea, well I didn’t fancy the hangover tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s a first time for everything I suppose.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oi, I don’t like this suspension thing. It’s giving you an attitude. You’re going to be talking back to teachers and not doing your homework next.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s your fault. I was an angel until I saw you smoking behind the bike sheds.” She placed the glasses down and sat next to him, that soft smile on her face. “Is something wrong?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? No, why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s Friday night and you’re here… With me… I know what happened with Lisa is hard…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea. There was nothing any of us could do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We tried. We did our best, didn’t we?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We did… I just think she gave up fighting it after I told her just how bad the damage was.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She needed to know.” Tosh took his hands in hers. “You did the right thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He glanced at her and felt something he hadn’t in a long time. A very long time. He didn’t know why he didn’t feel guilty for it. All of his one night stands he could excuse because they didn’t mean anything. There was no emotion in it. He could tell himself he wasn’t betraying Katies memory but the way he hadn’t been able to get Tosh out of his head since the night they’d retreated to his flat, from the rain, felt like he was letting someone else in. Like he was letting someone else fill the void in his heart. Sleeping alone had felt so much colder without Tosh there. He sighed deeply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I fucked up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. No, you shouldn’t blame yourself.” She insisted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not with Lisa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The concern radiated from her. “What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should have said no. I should have slept on the sofa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To who? … Is this about us? The other night? I told you I was fine with it just being a one time thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Owen-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Every time I’ve gone out I talk to people I would have desperately wanted to take home before they’re just… Boring… There’s no spark. There’s nothing. The idea of waking up next to them feels like a nightmare… I keep telling myself it’s just because I’m beating myself up over Lisa, that I’m stressed because of work, but it’s not… It’s because whenever I think about it all I want is to wake up next to you. I’m sorry. I’m pathetic.” He pulled his hands away and stood to leave, feeling like he’d messed up the only real friendship he had. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She darted up and grabbed the back of his shirt. “Wait! Don’t you even want to hear what I think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t need to hear how pathetic I am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She grabbed his wrist and pulled him back sharply. “I don’t think you’re pathetic! Just sit down and talk to me. I’m not going to let you run away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You deserve better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s my decision to make! Sit down!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let himself be pulled back down onto the sofa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why is this hurting you so much?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What would Katie think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Owen.” She pulled him into a tight hug. “She’d want you to be happy, wouldn’t she?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea… She would… Sorry I’m dropping all this on you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I'm always here for you. So what do you want to do? Going forward I mean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t want to fuck up more than I already have.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can just stay friends if you want.” She sat back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to just be friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We could just date and see how it goes. It’s not like we can’t go back if it doesn’t work out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?” She rested a warm hand on his cheek which he gratefully leaned in to.   </span>
</p><p><br/>
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